


I'm looking for a place to start (And everything feels so different now)

by no_nutcracker



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Arthur and Morgana are protective of each other, Immortal Merlin (Merlin), Merlin is Morgana's father, Morgana's POV, Reincarnation, uther is still a dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 14:27:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28957950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/no_nutcracker/pseuds/no_nutcracker
Summary: I read that mind-blowing story where immortal!Merlin meets/falls in love with/marries reincarnated!Ygraine and is happy with her until Destiny gets in the way. This is what I imagined might have happened years after Uther ends up stealing Ygraine from Merlin as well as their daughter Morgana.Or, Morgana Pendragon discovers she is not a Pendragon and goes to search for her father.
Relationships: Morgana & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Ygraine de Bois/Merlin (Merlin), Ygraine de Bois/Uther Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	I'm looking for a place to start (And everything feels so different now)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Audlie45](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Audlie45/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Out of His Hands](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8170927) by [Audlie45](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Audlie45/pseuds/Audlie45). 



> -My mind was firing up in all directions after reading this story.  
> Btw I advise anyone reading this to read Out of his Hands first (otherwise you'll be lost) and leave kudos on it :)
> 
> -title is from the song 'Yellow Light' from Of Monsters and Men.

  
Morgana had not mean to find the letters. She had not even known of their existence. 

The date of her mother's death (and Arthur's birth) was getting close and Morgana had been feeling quite down. She had been looking at old pictures of her mom. She ended up noticing a golden necklace with a small dragon pendant that she remembered her mother wearing until her death. She decided to search for it through her mother's affairs.

Hence, her finding the letters.

Morgana admits she had been a bit disgusted when she had read the fluffy bits of love. She had not needed to hear about her parents' love affair. She had been about to replace the letters when her gaze had fallen on a name she only remembered from her earlier years. A name she had not heard in so long she had mainly forgotten it.

It has been a downfall from there.

*

_My Dearest Love,_  
_I long for you._  
_Every day that I spend in this place sickens me. Every day that I spend away from you makes me sick._  
_I have our dear Morgana with me, but even she is not enough to make your absence in my life bearable._  
_I love you._  
_I will never forgive myself._

_My Dearest Love,_  
_Every day that goes by, Morgana looks less and less like you._  
_Uther has forbidden the use of your name in his household._  
_Morgana calls him papa now._  
_It breaks my heart._  
_Please, forgive me._

_Merlin,_  
_My Love. My Heart. My Soul._  
_I feel Uther's baby growing inside me. ~~I hate him~~. I want to love him. I want to hold him in my arms and present him to you. I want to leave with him and Morgana and find my way back to you. More than that, I want him to be yours._  
_I love you._  
_I am so sorry._

_My Dearest Merlin,_  
_I heard Nina talking about you yesterday. She was talking to one of her colleagues about your accomplishements. You are getting another degree. Congratulations._  
_I wish I was with you when your learned about it._  
_I wish it was I who talked about your success._  
_I wish I was with you._

_My Dearest Love,_  
_I dream about you all the time. In my last one, I dreamed we walked the Earth together like we had talked about. I wish we had gone to share_ un petit déjeuner _in Paris and had dinners in Mowscow. Made love in Venice and wished upon the_ Fontana di Trevi _. Visited Prague and walked along the Danub in Budapest. Walked the Irish moors and admired the old town of Mexico. Lost ourselves in Egyptians' pyramids._  
_Then I remember it was I who refused to leave because I had heard about a job opportunity with Uther._  
_I wish I had said_ screw it all _and dragged you and Morgana away._

_Merlin, my Only Love,_  
_I can feel the baby coming._  
_I wish you were here to hold my hand like you did when Morgana was coming. I wish you were the one to bring me to the hospital. I wish you were the one to smile upon the baby's pudgy face._  
_I do not know what the baby will look like. Yet, I know he will never be as beautiful as Morgana is. Because I will find no trace of you in him._  
_The baby is coming and my broken heart is beyong shattered._  
_I miss you so much._  
_I am so sorry._  
_~~Please forgive me~~._  
_I love you._  
_Yours, Always._

*

The letters were not about Ignes and Uther, who she had always thought as her father. They are about Ignes and a man named Merlin, who's her real father.

Morgana was dismayed.

She searched frantically around the box she had found the letters in. A couple of dresses, a shirt too big to be a woman's, another pack of letters, books about astronomy, Italia and Brazil, the middle ages, the arthurian litterature (Morgana scoffed. As if her brother's head was not big enough, he always had to boast about being named after the legendary King), a box full of precious jewellery (and _there_ was the necklace that had started it all) and finally a stack of old photographs. 

There were pictures of a happier version of her mother and a dark haired, blue eyed man. The both of them talking, dancing, walking around in the city or simply posing for the camera. 

The man had messy hair, a shrewd gaze, piercing blue eyes, cheeks that could cut paper and ears that stuck out noticably. He was rarely smiling in the photographs, only when he was looking at her mom rather than at the camera. And his smile was a genuine, brilliant one.

Her mom was radiating happiness. She looked nothing like she did on pictures with Uther.

Among the pile, Morgana found a picture of her toddler self on her real father's knee. Her face was turned up like a sun towards him. **Her father**. Merlin. Who was smiling down at her.

Her sodden tears fell on the pictures.

 _This is what I missed_ , she thought.

*****

Morgana is shocked. Bewildered. Upset. Angry. _Relieved_.

Uther. Fearsome, fear-inducing Uther. Who is always so frustrating, so overbearing, so disapproving of everything. Never conciliatory. Never compassionate. Never smiling, except when he is crushing his enemies. Always hard because showing any hint of feelings would mean showing weakness and no Pendragon would ever show weakness.

Morgana is not a Pendragon.

(and Morgana has a secret that she always worried Uther would learn about and reprove of. Evidently, she had always wished her mom had lived longer. How could she not? It was her mom. However, her wish had turned into a crushing need when her gift manifested and she had no one to talk to. She had imagined that it was hereditary -because it had to come from somewhere!- and had mourned her mother's loss a second time. Now, there was a chance that her father had it too. And if he did not, then Merlin could at least show himself to be everything Uther was not. Accepting. Compassionate. _Human_!)

Morgana is not a Pendragon and she could not be more relieved. The only thing that is worth bearing the name is to have Arthur at her side. Otherwise, Morgana would have left a long time ago.

Now. Now, she is so hopeful. There is someone out there that could be like her! Someone who could accept her and love her without conditions or expectations. Someone who used to and maybe still does.

Morgana has to find him.

*

Uther finds about her research.

Predictably, they start screaming at each other. Arthur is left standing in the background. His face going from confused to pale to sick. 

'You had no right!,' she yells. 'He is my father!' 

And how she rejoice in saying those words.

Uther goes red and shouts back: 'I am your father, Morgana! I, alone, was your sole parent. I was the one to raise you. The one to love you. And I gave you everything! Not that good for nothing tramp!'

'He is everything you could never hope to be!,' she hisses.

'I was never a killer!,' Uther seethes.

Morgana steps back, struck by those words.

Arthur looks at them with growing worry and takes a step forward in her direction. Probably to give her strength. Morgana does not need strength. She needs to strike Uther down.

'Neither is he,' she replies in a softer tone. Calm but no less certain.

Uther stares back at her unflinching. 'He is the reason Ignes is dead.'

Arthur jerks away. She glances at him and sees his haunted figure. She pursues her lips and refrains from joining him. She looks back at Uther. 

Ignes' death circumstances were always left unspoken. Mainly because it all came down to a woman giving birth and dying from bleeding out. Ignes gave life to Arthur and died for it. Morgana never felt angry against Arthur. He is her little brother and no matter how much he gets on her nerves, she loves him. She always took it for what it was: an unfortunate incident. Even with modern technology, those things happen. 

Uther never did accept it, Morgana and Arthur recognise that. He always treats Arthur hard while he keeps on dotting on her. He always thinks Arthur to be less than what he should be. He always reprimands him, always looks down on him. Uther always left him feeling their mother's death was his fault and he's a poor replacement. That he's not worth the loss. 

Morgana hates Uther for a lot of things but this one will always be the worst offense.

'This is ridiculous, Uther. What happened that day was an incident. Merlin had nothing to do with it. I bet he was not even there!'

The man is livid. 'She said his name when she died.'

'Of course she did. She loved him! She wanted him to be there her for while she was dying. Not you!,' she yells with unbridled rage.

Uther reels back from the blow.

*

Arthur sits next to her on her bed. 'So. Uther is not your father.'

Morgana eyes him warily. 'Lucky me.'

The shadow of a grin appears on his face then fades. 'Did she ever love him? I did not get the feeling from what you were saying.'

She pushes a strand of hair behind her left ear. 'I don't believe so.' Arthur nods. 'She kept saying she wished she had never left.'

'I want to see them,' her brother rushes to say.

She winces. 'Arthur...'

Her brother looks at her with pained eyes. 'I always thought father blamed me for her death. And he does not. Or if he does, he blames that man more than me. It should be a relief. Yet, I get the feeling our mother blamed me too. For forcing her to stay with Uther instead of the man she loved. I am wrong, Morgana?'

Morgana stays unmoved for a beat before she slowly shakes her head no. Arthur's pained smile threatens to break her heart.

No matter what she does or says, Uther is never the one left wounded. Arthur and her always take the brunt of it.

'I want to read them,' Arthur repeats.

*

Arthur is reading the letters in silence. When his hands start to shake, she puts a hand on his right arm. Once he is done, he assembles them carefully into a stack and puts them on his other side on the bed. His shoulders seem to be burdened with a new load.

'I want to find him,' she voices.

Arthur's face is resigned. 'I know. I'll help.'

'I know. And for what it's worth, I don't think you're the reason mother never left.' 

Arthur glances at her in faint confusion.

'I think she was deluding herself. Nobody can ever escape Uther's will. We can only bend to it.' 

Arthur holds her gaze with trepidation. 

'She wished to take you with us, Arthur. But even if she had survived, I don't think she would have left. Uther would never have let her go. You have nothing to do with it.'

*

Merlin E. Hunithson is a professor at Oxford. They do not find him on the school grounds though, but in a popular pub with some friends and/or 'old' students of his.

One of them is a man named Gavin who keeps swishing his hair left and right. He reminds Morgana of someone she used to know, but their name escape her. Gavin takes a sip of his beer before pointing them to a man way too young to be her father.

Morgana gets wary. Maybe Merlin is a name passed down from father to son and this man is her brother? If it is the case, does this mean he shares the same gift as her? Will he agree to arrange a meeting with their father? Will their father agree to it? 

That last question had been plaguing her mind since she found the letters. There was no certainty that Merlin would agree to see her after the way Ignes had left him. After the way Uther took everything he loved from him. Or, maybe Merlin would not see Morgana but her mother in her place. Just like Uther did for Arthur. Maybe Merlin would see Ignes and be reminded of how much she hurt him. Or maybe he would see the _Pendragon_ in Morgana and refuse to acknowledge her existence.

Arthur leads her throught the students' gathering, right to Merlin. He apologies for interrupting the man's conversation with some friends of his and asks him to lead them to a secluded area so they can talk. Merlin raises his eyebrows at the curious request but complies. 

When it is only the three of them and Morgana falters to speak, Arthur continues to stand strong at her side and speaks for her.

'Are you Merlin Hunithson?,' the brother she grew up with inquires.

Merlin narrows his eyes at them. 'Yes,' he drawls. 'And you are?'

Arthur does not answer. 'We are searching for your father. Could you put us in touch with him?'

Merlin grins, a bit baffled. Morgana wonders if he is not a bit buzzed from the drinks already. 'I'm afraid I can not. My father has been long dead.'

She feels her heart squizz. 'No,' she whispers. 

He can not be. Morgana already lost decades with her father. She refuses to accept that she will never see him again.

Arthur and Merlin glance at her. Arthur pinches his lips and tightens his hold on her, as supportive as ever. Merlin studies her face in perplexity.

'Pardon me, but I think there must be a confusion. My father has been dead for a long time, I do not understand how you could have known him.'

'You must not have known him long either,' Arthur says, as rude as ever. 'You appear to be only a couple years younger than my sister.'

The statement renews Morgana's interest. She stares at Merlin's features. It is true than only a couple of years separate them. She'd swear that he is the same age as Arthur. Which would imply that he was conceived as the same time as Arthur was and mean her mother had not been the only unfaithful one in their marriage. 

However, Morgana feels a trickle of doubt. Merlin looks too much like the man in her mother's photographs. The same eyes, the same cheekbones, the same pouty lips. The prominent ears. She knows that children can strongly ressemble their parents but she has never seen such a striking resemblance. Merlin is the perfect mirror of their father at his age.

His figure holds no trace of another woman's feature.

'You were named after him?' she hears Arthur ask.

Merlin keeps on looking at them with skepticism. 

Morgana awaits his answer with febrility. 

'Not at all. His name was Balinor.'

Morgana swallows heavily, her heart in her throat. This is no mistake. Merlin looks exactly like the man in her mother's beloved pictures. Maybe it is not because their are a lot alike. Maybe it is because of _magic_. 

Maybe he is **not** her brother. 

'I don't understand,' Arthur says. 'You are Merlin E. Hunithson, aren't you? The only one?'

Merlin continues to grin. His confusion at their continued interrogation is apparent. Yet, he entertains them by answering their questions instead of leaving from frustration. 

'I am the only one, yes. And before you ask, I am the only living member of the family. There really is no one like me,' he insists with cheer. 'Care to finally tell me why you keep asking me questions?'

Arthur opens his mouth -most likely to ask more questions than to respond Merlin's words. Morgana speaks before he can voice a word. 

'Did you know Ignes du Bois?'

Merlin's face pales at her words. And _Morgana knows_.

'You did, didn't you?,' she continues more gently.

Merlin's eyes are fixed on her. Her traits, the curve of her face, her eyes. He inspects Arthur with the same scrutiny. '... It is a name I have not heard in years.'

'Since she left you for another man.' 

Morgana feels Arthur go rigid against her. She can almost hear the wheels turning into her brother's mind. 

Merlin is staring at her without flinching. 

'You and Ignes were married,' she concludes.

'...Yes,' **_her father_** admits with reluctance. 'We were.'

Arthur goes boneless from shock. 

Morgana is radiant. 

She smiles at Merlin -her real father. The one that passed the gift down to her. The one that loved all of her -unlike Uther- and offers him her hand. The one that is not supporting her flabbergasted brother's weight.

'My name is Morgana. I am your daughter.'

**Author's Note:**

> *The Nina that Ignes/Ygraine references to in her letters is Nimueh. I thought to put her original name on it but decided against it. Jut like Destiny decided to mess with Merlin by changing Ygraine's name and screwing him over.   
> I decided to 'add' her in the story and thought of her as some kind of long standing and supportive friend to both Ignes and Merlin.
> 
> Btw: Nina hates Uther. You could say that she was reborn with her hatred of the man. Merlin pleading for her to keep calm was the only reason she did not stab the git in the gut for taking Ignes and breaking her friends' heart.
> 
> *Gavin definitely is Gwaine. He is a ravishing young man who used to follow Merlin's classes until he dropped school. (He only used to go to the prestigious college to please his parents until he decided he had enough and dropped off.) He kept in contact with Merlin because, like eons ago, Gavin took a genuine liking to Merlin. They go from teacher/student to friends in the space of a heartbeat. 
> 
> *Everything is from Morgana's POV for a reason.  
> (Mainly because at her birth, Merlin had been worried about her and what and who she'd become in this life.)


End file.
